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Of late, the Rugby Union branch of Sports Watchers' Inc. has found it increasingly hard to whip up enthusiasm for test matches.
This is understandable, of course.
Test matches should be all about.....
Rrrrrrrr! Ding-dong! Dong-ding! Dong-dong! Ding-ding! Knees up. Elbows out. Knuckles a-plenty. Hops and sidesteps all over the paddock. Eighty minutes of flat-out action.....
Sadly, however, all too often, the ding-dongs have been bing-bongs. The dong-dongs have ended up dingalings and the ding-dings have degenerated into endless non-stop yuckalongs!
In other words, they have been all about....
The walking vuvuzela of Rugby Union Tests!
The Tooter!
The Joker with the Whistle!
"Toooooot!"
Followed by....
"Tooot! Toooot! Toooooot!"
Offside....offside...offside! Penalty....penalty....penalty! Yellow card....yelllow card...yellow card! Red....red....red!
The result has been a total turn off, especially when Rugby Union is trying to compete for audiences with Downhill Interactive Mixed Triples Videoball.
It is therefore most pleasing to note that something is being done about it.
And just in time, as well, I reckon.
Coming up over the next two weeks are, theoretically, a couple out-and-out full-blooded rippas!
Today in Melbourne. Next week in Christchurch.
Australia versus New Zealand! The Wallabies and the All Blacks! Round Four of the 2010 Tri-Nations. Round One of the 2010 Bledisloe Cup.
Both teams have just thrashed the World Champions and Tri-Nations holders, South Africa, by heaps and heaps. The All Blacks are putting the last touches on next year's World Cup squad. The Wallabies are currently fielding one of the most exciting half-back and quarter-back line ups in recent rugby history.
Mighty stuff!
But only if it all gets a thorough de-tooting.
And this, it appears, is what the irrelevant authorities, a.k.a. the International Tooters Management Association (ITMA) have promised to do.
"Efforts are currently being made to make international Rugby Union far less tootery," they stated last week.
"Captains and Tooters," they added, "should learn to like each other. "They should develop rapport, communicate with each other, show respect, develop rapport, communicate with each other, show respect and make it clear they want everyone to have a good game. They must be empathetic and decisive role models, engaging in constant dialogue until the point comes when the Tooter must step in, show the boundary line and explain or demonstrate the consequences when it is crossed."
This means that the next two weeks could be crucial in terms of worldwide efforts to de-toot the game.
Everything hinges on the "empathy" of the two respective captains, the "rapport" they can build with the Tooter and the "roles" they can "model".
And, in this respect, things look quite promising.
Empathetic All Black captain Richie McCaw is said to be a role model for any aspiring 6' 2" openside flanker who likes nothing better that a spot of offside rapport.
His Wallaby counterpart, Rocky Elsom, is a similar role model for any 6'5" blindside flanker who likes nothing better than dealing empathetically with offside openside flankers who need a quick bit of instant communication.
And the man in the middle of it all?
South Africa's Craig Joubert who started out as a role model corporate banker and gave it up to become a role model discorporate tooter.
So can the three of them make it a zinger?
We'll see today.....
Scene: Etihad Stadium, Melbourne:
Large numbers of enormous players jump on top of quite small player somewhere underneath.
"Toooooot!" goes Tooter, exercising authority over random tighthead prop with very loose head.
"Good on yer, mate," chaffs Captain A, vigorously role modelling, "I like you. Give him a yellow and I'll like you even more!"
"I like you, too, mate," jests Captain B, engaging in constant dialogue. "But may I respectfully remind you, esteemed tooter, that, although I also want to have a good game., I feel constrained to point out that you appear to be overlooking Paragraph 343, article 82 (c), sub-section 67 (iv) of the Breakdown Rules which sort of states the circumstances under which not entering the ruck through the gate with the rear foot at an angle of 37% behind the left ear of any opposing loose head and landing on a quite small player's whatsits without inserting a boot in the blindside hooker's left nostril, is quite permissable."
"I also like you, honourable Captain B," Tooter quips, decisively delivering 200 word summary of basic 2000 word rule. "But, with similar respect, I feel it incumbent upon me to refer you to Paragraph 344 that requires me to step in and show the boundary line and demonstrate the consequences by giving your tighthead prop a decisive red card."
"Spot on, Tooter!" grins Captain A, with a big rapport on his gumshield.
"Go get tooted!" snarls the tighthead prop and rapports off to the sinbin....
....extremely empathetically!